I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
