I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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