I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
