We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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