I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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