I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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