i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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