this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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