why didn't you poke me back
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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