Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
