I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
