hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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