I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
A bitchslap is in order.
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