I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
