I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
