I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
