he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think we might need a safe word for this...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
