Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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