i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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