shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
