I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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