remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
