You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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