I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
