if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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