doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
