I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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