I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
