tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
