Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
