the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
