Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
