I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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