god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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