Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
