You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
