So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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