Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
last night I used snow as a chaser
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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