I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
