I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
