First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
