I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
