you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
