She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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