I will die if light touches me.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
