I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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