its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
