I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
