the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
