I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
