Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
