sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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