he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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