Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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