exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
